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Literature Text
my eyes well-up constellations for you,
they shine bright. though my tears aren't precious anymore,
far too common for the tormenting night.
whoever told you about those squinting stars?
they strain to see those in this world;
gifted yet challenged by the sun and the moon.
and if all of earth's paradoxes were to stand up like soldiers,
we would be out of place.
try not to cry about such trivial matters
and live life as if we will not die.
and if such aspects are set in stone,
why does our molten flow so smoothly as
we seep out venus' volcano of infidelity and trust?
and they tell us that lust leads to consequences.
our brightness attracts those moths who perish in our heat.
we give a warm welcome to everything that we
meet.
they shine bright. though my tears aren't precious anymore,
far too common for the tormenting night.
whoever told you about those squinting stars?
they strain to see those in this world;
gifted yet challenged by the sun and the moon.
and if all of earth's paradoxes were to stand up like soldiers,
we would be out of place.
try not to cry about such trivial matters
and live life as if we will not die.
and if such aspects are set in stone,
why does our molten flow so smoothly as
we seep out venus' volcano of infidelity and trust?
and they tell us that lust leads to consequences.
our brightness attracts those moths who perish in our heat.
we give a warm welcome to everything that we
meet.
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Comments30
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactHello there
This is a really sweet poem, there is a definite line of emotion in it and a personal touch. I think there's some real strengths inside it, but it needs a rework and tighten up to really create the full effect you are attempting.
I'm not too keen on the first stanza to be honest, I don't think it really contributes to the rest of the poem- the "well-up" really trips me up in reading. I just think that starting at the second and that question opens it up nicely.
I think you need to go back through and really look at tightening up those sentences too for example:
Whoever told you about those squinting stars?
Who told you of squinting stars?
I am also unsure as to why we jump from the image of the stars to the images of lava and venus? Part of my thinks maybe sticking to the imagery relating to the stars and distance is the real crux to this poem.
I'd really like to see the redrafted version of this. I hope my comments have been helpful for you <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>Thank you
.